So, I have had four days of the most awful, dreadful pink eye probably ever recorded in the history of eye diseases. Okay, maybe I am over exaggerating.
But, now I'm actually sick and I'm angry about that. My eye disease has caused a throat disease and that combined with my eye cheese is enough to put on an entire sleeve of butter crackers. So, in order to relieve this anger in the midst of my inconvenient flight, I've composed a list of things I am angry about. Right now. Here goes.
Top 5 Pieces of Shit Megan Is Really Angry About rn.
Let's start with the elephant in the room. Shall we.
1. Starbucks happy hour. Listen. I don't go to Starbucks very often. We have our own coffee space machine at home. I don't know how you hipsters and top knots sleep at night, when they're charging six damn dollars for a milkshake. Because, let's be honest. It's a milkshake. Also, I'm tired of having to pronounce your shitty Italian verbiage. Listen, this is Tulsa, Oklahoma. We don't understand words like Venti. We know Small, Medium, Large, and would you like fries with that.
So, Susan. Pick an Italian word and move to the left, okay. The rest of us have turkeys or some shit to kill.
2. Faded Glory. Okay, when you go to Walmart, you see the clothes that are for sale, and you have several different brands to choose from. Most of them are rejects from department stores that USED to sell them, but can't anymore because the quality has gotten so terrible. Faded Glory sells shirts and pants and leggings, just like any other brand, but there's is specifically unique in the fact that you wash it once and your toddler can wear it. It's appropriate, because the vast majority of those who buy their groceries at Walmart AND buy Faded Glory....are gonna need it.
3. Babies with cheeto stains. Okay, listen. I've done and said and thought a LOT of fucked up things. Babies with cheeto stains, ANYWHERE, is probably the worst thing to ever happen to this world, right under The Holocaust and the coffee at Jiffy Lube. It's like a giant sign to the rest of humanity that should say, "please, somebody give my mom birth control. She's got me all hopped up on Mountain Dew and the pitbull won't stop humping my teddy bear." It's not cute. It's staining everything. Shit has got to stop. Walmart sells three packs of great value baby wipes. They're $2.69.
4. Blue tooth headsets. Ah. There is nothing worse than listening to somebody have a conversation like they're yelling at a Walkie Talkie during world war 2. I really didn't know you had such a terrible relationship with ya moms, and Uncle Steve isn't allowed over at Christmas. I get it, we alllll have an Uncle Steve. But, your blue tooth headset is kinda freaking me out because I keep thinking you're trying to talk to me and I need to be really focused because I can't decide which pop tarts I want. This is a struggle and your electronical schizophrenia is not making that any easier, Roberta.
5. Ah, this is my favorite. Quirky, clever bumper stickers. By quirky I mean awful and my clever I mean fucking stupid. "My other car is Jesus Christ" and various other references to Dr. Who and the phone booth. Or whatever. You've got your coexist stickers with all the different religions and whatnot and your "I'm with her" and "Let's make America great again", and then there is my car with Bill Murray on the back windshield to the right, and the left in black it reads, "because shut up, that's why." Listen, I love that you put the rebel flag and don't tread on me on your Chevy pick ups, and your Jesus fishes on the back of your HHR, along with a shout out to your Cult. Hold on. Clan? No, that's not right....CHURCH. There it is.... OH, and the runners with their stickers with their running times. The average person doesn't know what the fuck that means. Just like most of Dave Matthews Band's car decals. If you don't know, you don't get it. Keep your car decals neutral. That way, nobody can knife your tires or take a massive chili induced shit on the hood of your car, because of who you voted for. Or because your other car is a spaceship.
