So, I've not done a lot of things in life. One of those is getting my tits measured to see what actual bra size I wear. Usually, I pick between C and a D cup, with an estimate in inches, try them on, and whichever one keeps the "nipslips" to a minimum is the one I get. Also, I figure a handful will fit a certain size, but I also realize that since I have midget hands, maybe that's not the greatest way to estimate measurement. For the most part, though, it works and the bra fits how I want it to. But, today I went in to Macy's as a guinea pig and left tit shamed by the lady in the bra department.
Tit measuring: a conversation.
Lady: Can I help you?
Me: Uh, sure. I'm just curious, I've never been measured before. My bra---
Lady: It appears you need a bra that fits.
Me: Silence.
Lady: So, let's measure you. Go in there and we'll measure under your top, over your bra.
Me: Okay. (Goes into dressing room, lifts tank top, lady begins measuring)
Lady: Takes forever measuring.
Me: Also, my bra fits fine. I'm just doing this as an experimental thing. Cross it off my bucket list.
Lady: Doesn't laugh.
Lady: Well, your bra doesn't fit "fine."
Me: Silence.
Lady: You're lumped in the back.
Me: By lumped you mean my fat is squished together?
Lady: Yes.
Me: Silence.
Lady: Okay. I think you'd look fabulous in this Bali full figure. It's comfortable and we have a Wacoal full figure that comes in a strapless. Showing bra straps is unbecoming for such a pretty young lady. It gives the wrong impression. So, let's try a 38C. We could even tr----
Me: Came in with a tank top, and bra straps showing.
Also me: Wait... Full fig--Gives the wrong impr-...wait did you just call me tacky....?
Lady: Surprised look.
Me: Okay. First, you said I had back fat, THEN you called me tacky, and NOW you're looking at me like I've just done meth in your dressing room.
Lady: Silence.
Me: Silence.
Me: You're like the worst tit saleswoman ever.
Lady: Silence.
Me: I bet you drive around the trailer park in whatever car your husband let you keep in the divorce, guffawing at all the fashion fauxpaws.
Lady: Opens mouth and starts to say something.
Me: Puts hand up.
Also me: NOPE.
(Pulls down tacky tank top over tacky bra covering the tacky backfat, gives evil side eye, walks out of dressing room.)
Me: GOOD DAY.
Lady: Good luck wit---
Me: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!
My tits are just fine with a $5.99 bra from Ross Dress For Less. Also, the size I was wearing WAS a 38C, I think bitch needs to go back to tit measuring school. She just wanted to sell me a $40 piece of cloth cones that will just get wrapped around some socks in the dryer. Now you know how big my boobs are. Let's see how we placed.
Tacky back fat-Second place in lump division.
Tacky bra straps-Honorable Mention.
Megan-Participation trophy.
Boobs-First place in small division.
You're welcome. Hope you learned something.
Hey, boobs are boobs and they're all great.
ReplyDeleteWe've already discussed this, Christopher.
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